Many people are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say or do around a friend who is in grief. Consequently, they say too much or the wrong things or both. Their many words don’t help and the wrong thing said certainly doesn’t help.
The reality is that many can offer sympathy, but only a few can offer empathy. David Willets in his book “Grieve Well Live Well” puts it this way: “You can feel sorry for someone who has lost a close loved one and that is sympathy. But when you personally experience the death of a loved one you can feel empathy along with the grieving. The difference between the two is head knowledge, sympathy and heart knowledge, empathy.”
Before I lost Carol, I could only offer sympathy to one who had lost a spouse. But in the future, I’m certain I will be able to minister to others who have lost their spouse in a far more empathetic way. I will be able to walk alongside of them and feel with them in ways I never could before. In fact, did you know that God has designed us to minister to others out of our own experience?
2 Corinthians 1:3–4 (ESV)
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
The guiding principle for Christian comfort ministry is that those who have experienced the comfort of the Lord are in a unique position to offer comfort to others. While this is true, anyone can be used of God to offer comfort to others to some degree.
So what should we say and not say to a grieving person?
You can’t go wrong by simply saying, “I care about you and I love you.”
You can’t go wrong with a hug if relationally appropriate.
If you have never experienced the kind of loss that the grieving person is experiencing, you can’t say, “I know how you feel.” And even you have had a similar loss, you still don’t know how they feel because everyone experiences grief differently.
Many who have written me have made comments about Carol being in a better place. Many have said things like, “She is no longer in pain,” and “My loss is heaven’s gain.”
Now I understand that it is better to grieve with hope of heaven than to grieve with no hope. However, these comments do very little to help me in my grief. I have taken the time to ask myself, why. Why do I not feel better when people remind me that Carol is in heaven?
My answer may surprise you. It is because grief is not so much about the person that is lost as it is about the loss of the person who lost the person.
To put it personally, grief is not so much about Carol who I lost as it is about me who lost Carol.
For example, some years ago, my Honda Del Sol was stolen, taken for a joy ride and ended up being bashed in, seats ripped and basically completely demolished. I was deeply hurt and had lots of grief over the loss of my favorite toy. Can you imagine someone trying to console me who had never had a car stolen? Can you imagine someone saying, “The Del Sol is in a better place?“
If you want to help me grieve, let me tell you about the fun times I had driving down Riverside Drive with the top off. Let me tell you how I felt violated by the incident. Let me share my anger and how I want to punch the persons in the face before I tell them about Jesus.
Here’s the point: If you are going to help someone grieve, let them talk about how they feel about their loss. Let them talk about how the person lost fulfilled so many things in their life. And let them say nothing if that’s their choice. Just sit in silence or play dominoes or Skip-Bo if that’s what they want to do.
We underestimate the power of the silence of a friend. They don’t want us to try to fix their pain. They don’t want us to tell them how to grieve. They just want to know we care. And many times our presence speaks more than any words we might utter.
