It’s been five years since Carol left me to be with the Lord. Five years! I can’t believe it! So what have I learned about grief since then?
First, your friends won’t grieve with you for very long. Yes, they care about you. And they may take the time to feel for you occasionally. But there will be little depth to their grief compared to the depth of grief you feel.
This is normal. They have their own lives to live. You’re in their thoughts at times but only for a few fleeting moments. They are moving on and in some ways, they expect you to move on as well. And you will, but not at the same pace.
Second, you will have a greater struggle with grief if your relationship was not as good as it should have been. You will struggle with guilt if there are things you wish you had said, or had not said or if there were things you had done or not done.
If you never had the chance to say you’re sorry or to apologize, then what do you do with the guilt of those moments? There is only one answer: forgiveness.
But they aren’t here to forgive you. Then you must live in the hope that if they were here, they certainly would forgive you.
And you must forgive yourself.
Third, The first year is the hardest. Everything is new. It’s your first time without your loved one on their and your birthday. It’s your first year without them on Thanksgiving and Christmas. If it was your spouse, it is the first year without them on Valentine’s Day. I was in the store watching many people picking out candy or flowers and cards and I thought, I don’t have a reason to get any of those things. It feels strange. It feels wrong. Your life is different now and you don’t like it.
Forth, there can be a “new normal.” It takes time, but you can find real meaning in life apart from the life you had. For me, I’m thankful for the sensitivity of my children and their family. I’m thankful for friends to share life with, including playing games, golf and fishing.
I’m thankful for the Lord who has given me a new ministry with young adults in the new church I’ve become a part of.
And that leads me to the Firth thing. I’ve always told young people that they should never have the attitude regarding the one they marry that they can’t live without them. I’ve always said that the only one we can’t live without it the Lord.
Being without Carol has given me an opportunity to see if I really believe that. Jesus has become more real to me than ever.
