One year ago today Carol fell asleep on this earth and woke up in heaven, in the presence of the Lord. I’ve been in a constant deep grief mode since the first of the year, unable to quit recalling the struggles we went through, especially the last twenty-five days in the hospital and trips I made twice a day, dragging my own oxygen bottle, trying to feed her and keep her alive. And then, staying by her side for seven days in our home till I watched he breathe her last breath. I’ve been unable to settle my thinking with the many “what ifs: and “if onlys” my mind has gone through. Yes, I realize that God is bigger than all of that and that the appointed time for her to die had come, but the emotions still linger.
BUT today, I’m turning a page in my own life. On our grave marker, Carol has her date of birth and her date of death engraved on the stone. But mine has only the date of my birth and then a dash -. You see, I’m living in the dash (and so are you) and I’m committing myself to make the most of the dash for however much longer the Lord chooses.
The Lord said, “Let not your heart be troubled” (John 14:1). The implication is that I am personally responsible to keep my heart from being “troubled.” And then He told his disciple how to keep their heart from troubling: “Believe (trust) in God, believe also in me.”
Today, I’m choosing to incorporate celebration into my grief. Every thought and every comment of grief for Carol will be followed with, “but God.”
EXAMPLE: I miss Carol, but God has her exactly where he wants her. I wish Carol was here to eat this wonderful food, but God has filled her with the taste of heaven. My nights are lonely but God has not left me alone.
Grieve well, my friends, grieve well.
